Feelings
By their very nature, these events can be distressing. The emotional and physical reactions that follow bereavement can be intense. These may surprise you as they can be unfamiliar and out of character.
Emotional Feelings Following Bereavement
There are no right or wrong ways to grieve. We all need to grieve in our own way and in our own time. There is no set time scale for the grief process as every one of us is a unique individual. Reactions and feelings can change from hour to hour or day to day and normal daily events such as a specific smell or song can trigger a grief response.
Some of the most common feelings are:
Shock and disbelief
It can take quite some time for the bad news to sink in. You can’t believe it, not at first, it’s like a dream, it’s not real.
Loss
You’ve lost so much – the person, their love, their friendship, their companionship, hopes... and this can produce a deep sense of sadness.
Guilt and regret
You may regret not saying or doing something you feel should have been said or done. You can be regretful for feeling angry. Some will feel ‘survivor guilt’ – being alive when another is dead. If the death was unexpected or sudden, feelings of regret and guilt could probably be heightened. You might also feel shame or blame yourself.
Injustice
Why did she/he have to die? Why did this have to happen to me? It’s not fair.
Envy
You might envy others having what you don’t have – the partner, parent, child, friend you have just lost. You could also envy others of their apparent carefree lives.
Anger
You might feel angry with the world or with people for: causing the death, not being able to cure the illness, not understanding your feelings, making thoughtless remarks or carrying on with life and having fun.
You might feel angry with yourself too, for what you did or did not do. Perhaps most difficult of all, you might feel angry with the dead person for dying and abandoning you and for the pain you are suffering as a result of their death.
Loneliness
Grieving can be a lonely process. You may feel that no-one can possibly understand what you are going through or that no-one cares.
Depression
Feeling low is a natural part of the mourning process. For a time you could lose interest in life and feel that there’s no point in going on. At worst you might feel despair.
Relief
You might feel relieved, especially if the death followed a long illness or if the person’s quality of life had deteriorated.
Physical Effects following a Bereavement
Grief also affects your behaviour and functioning. You may find it affects you in some or all of the following ways:
Sleep Disruption
You may find that you can’t get to sleep, or can’t stay asleep or that you wake early.
Loss of appetite
You might not feel like eating, or may feel sick when you do.
Exhaustion
Grief is stressful, and if you are also not sleeping or eating well you are bound to feel tired and worn down.
Restlessness
You may find it hard to concentrate or relax and ‘switch off’. Your mind can go into overdrive trying to make sense of what has happened.
Anxiety and Panic
With so many powerful and unfamiliar feelings aroused, you might become anxious and panicky. These can lead to such bodily responses as palpitations of the heart, excessive sweating, nausea and digestive problems.
Inability to cope
You might find it difficult to cope with ordinary, everyday things like shopping, cooking, study or work.
Loss of Interest
Things that were once a source of pleasure to you may now seem meaningless and tiresome.
Irritability
You might find yourself ‘snapping’ even if you are not the sort of person who normally reacts in this way.
Tearfulness
You might cry a lot; sometimes it may be all you can do. Crying can help.
Helping Yourself
Reduce the impact of grief by acknowledging that it is normal to feel ‘not normal’.
Ensuring that you are clear with what did happen, rather than relying on what you believe to have happened, can help.
Talking about your grief to friends and family members can help, although sometimes it’s not always easy to talk to those closest to you for fear of expressing your emotions, upsetting them or even being a burden to them.